A Cord of Three
I do not like confrontation.
This morning I headed into work nervous. A student that I tutor and help to hold accountable has been needing intervention beyond what I can provide. For a week my boss and I have planned that the next time I saw her, we would go to his office to confront some things. Last week she never showed. I knew that with a major assignment today she would be in.
Pacing the offices and checking in with my four superiors, I anxiously awaited for her to arrive. Arrive she did.
This girl, We will call her Jill, is extremely bright, an excellent writer but has OCPD. Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder.
She only has a semester to go before graduation. However, an issue lies in her ability to get work done. If she writes something, it must be perfect. If she has an idea, it must be jotted down in notes, then refined, thought over, and then finally put together in a presentable format. My head can spin some mornings. Slowly, with the guidance of her psychiatrist and my boss, I have worked alongside her to "just accept it" as it is -- meaning, we do not need four revisions for a two page paper and a five minute speech does not need twenty sources. As of late, I feel like I'm speaking to a wall. She has shut down. I felt at a loss as she was/is failing each of her three classes. She is letting her label defeat her.
Two speeches, two papers and a book behind, Jill is giving up.
This is her fourth time to take speech. She is only a few failing grades from graduation. She works 30 hours a week and is involved in her congregation. She is getting paid to edit a book and takes a fitness class with some women from her church two nights a week. It sounds like a lot, but it is probably just as much as you or I are doing. We scheduled out when she would wake up, get ready, be out the door and in to see me. From there we work on Speech MWF and Bible TR. Her practicum is her job so no work is needed there. Essentially, two classes. That is all she is working on. Needless to say, I am not enough to help her. My accountability is not enough. I may text her at 7:30 in morning to check in and then remind her to be out the door by 8:00 in order to start working on the assignments by 8:15. But even that does not help anymore.
Sometimes we are our own worst enemies.
At 9:15 this morning she walked in. I collected myself and said "Would you be willing to put your stuff down and we'll go into James' office?"
Blank stare.
"Am I willing, or do you want me to?" was Jill's reply.
"I think it would be a good idea if we did".
We did.
It hurt. I knew that she was mad at me. We were to rehearse a speech this morning during our session and when the meeting ended (because she said it was done) she looked at me, pursed her lips, and said, "I'm going to go practice on my own". She left.
My heart sank. Had I done the wrong thing?
My boss pulled me aside and we talked about it some. It is what she needed but it was not what she wanted.
As I write this, she has texted me. Her first sentence was, "I would like to sit down and talk about how we can make this work." She goes on to say with honesty that it put her on the spot and she was upset, but she needed that. I'm still a little shaken up because I have been realizing how much I don't like confrontation. I will avoid a situation or decide to keep quiet. I feel like it is something that either it just my problem and I need to deal with it, or it is the other person's problem and I need to let them work it out. So this means I keep quiet or intentionally stay away. It's not healthy because it breeds. Yes, I do believe some things are best left unsaid, but I am referring to a different matter. Then I am reminded of the Proverb, a cord of three is not easily broken.
You see, we are to confront our neighbor personally, first. Then when that does not work, we have to bring in another person. I feel much more at ease after texting with her some. She and I will meet tonight and talk. A third person, my boss, is now in on the accountability. It is out in the open and I really do believe that this cord of three will be more effective in helping her finish out and overcome the power of her OCPD label.
This is a small step for each of us. But I'm amazed at how God works in our lives, using one another. She may thank God for me, but I find that more often than I realize, I am thankful for her. She has given me a different perspective on learning. She has challenged me to stretch my thinking to best help her. While she has caused this situation, uneasy as it was, I have seen another area in my life that needs stretching and challenging. Sometimes confrontation is necessary. As brothers and sisters we are to hold one another accountable in love. It is not easy. It is not fun. Sometimes it will take a third cord to invite into the walk. But that is okay, it is worth it because a cord of three is not easily broken.
We are to struggle with one another in love. As she just told me, " I love you and thank you for loving me enough to struggle with me when I can't love myself".
This morning I headed into work nervous. A student that I tutor and help to hold accountable has been needing intervention beyond what I can provide. For a week my boss and I have planned that the next time I saw her, we would go to his office to confront some things. Last week she never showed. I knew that with a major assignment today she would be in.
Pacing the offices and checking in with my four superiors, I anxiously awaited for her to arrive. Arrive she did.
This girl, We will call her Jill, is extremely bright, an excellent writer but has OCPD. Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder.
She only has a semester to go before graduation. However, an issue lies in her ability to get work done. If she writes something, it must be perfect. If she has an idea, it must be jotted down in notes, then refined, thought over, and then finally put together in a presentable format. My head can spin some mornings. Slowly, with the guidance of her psychiatrist and my boss, I have worked alongside her to "just accept it" as it is -- meaning, we do not need four revisions for a two page paper and a five minute speech does not need twenty sources. As of late, I feel like I'm speaking to a wall. She has shut down. I felt at a loss as she was/is failing each of her three classes. She is letting her label defeat her.
Two speeches, two papers and a book behind, Jill is giving up.
This is her fourth time to take speech. She is only a few failing grades from graduation. She works 30 hours a week and is involved in her congregation. She is getting paid to edit a book and takes a fitness class with some women from her church two nights a week. It sounds like a lot, but it is probably just as much as you or I are doing. We scheduled out when she would wake up, get ready, be out the door and in to see me. From there we work on Speech MWF and Bible TR. Her practicum is her job so no work is needed there. Essentially, two classes. That is all she is working on. Needless to say, I am not enough to help her. My accountability is not enough. I may text her at 7:30 in morning to check in and then remind her to be out the door by 8:00 in order to start working on the assignments by 8:15. But even that does not help anymore.
Sometimes we are our own worst enemies.
At 9:15 this morning she walked in. I collected myself and said "Would you be willing to put your stuff down and we'll go into James' office?"
Blank stare.
"Am I willing, or do you want me to?" was Jill's reply.
"I think it would be a good idea if we did".
We did.
It hurt. I knew that she was mad at me. We were to rehearse a speech this morning during our session and when the meeting ended (because she said it was done) she looked at me, pursed her lips, and said, "I'm going to go practice on my own". She left.
My heart sank. Had I done the wrong thing?
My boss pulled me aside and we talked about it some. It is what she needed but it was not what she wanted.
As I write this, she has texted me. Her first sentence was, "I would like to sit down and talk about how we can make this work." She goes on to say with honesty that it put her on the spot and she was upset, but she needed that. I'm still a little shaken up because I have been realizing how much I don't like confrontation. I will avoid a situation or decide to keep quiet. I feel like it is something that either it just my problem and I need to deal with it, or it is the other person's problem and I need to let them work it out. So this means I keep quiet or intentionally stay away. It's not healthy because it breeds. Yes, I do believe some things are best left unsaid, but I am referring to a different matter. Then I am reminded of the Proverb, a cord of three is not easily broken.
You see, we are to confront our neighbor personally, first. Then when that does not work, we have to bring in another person. I feel much more at ease after texting with her some. She and I will meet tonight and talk. A third person, my boss, is now in on the accountability. It is out in the open and I really do believe that this cord of three will be more effective in helping her finish out and overcome the power of her OCPD label.
This is a small step for each of us. But I'm amazed at how God works in our lives, using one another. She may thank God for me, but I find that more often than I realize, I am thankful for her. She has given me a different perspective on learning. She has challenged me to stretch my thinking to best help her. While she has caused this situation, uneasy as it was, I have seen another area in my life that needs stretching and challenging. Sometimes confrontation is necessary. As brothers and sisters we are to hold one another accountable in love. It is not easy. It is not fun. Sometimes it will take a third cord to invite into the walk. But that is okay, it is worth it because a cord of three is not easily broken.
We are to struggle with one another in love. As she just told me, " I love you and thank you for loving me enough to struggle with me when I can't love myself".
excellent. I chuckled when I first starting reading because all I could picture is your dad and his level of perfection (in some things) and how long it takes him to write a 3 sentence statement. grrr. but that wasn't the point of your blog and what you had to say was excellent. confrontation isn't easy but it is often necessary. those who embrace it lovingly are able to grow.
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