Understanding

“Is it by your understanding that the hawk soars

and spreads his wings toward the south?

 Is it at your command that the eagle mounts up

and makes his nest on high?" -Job 39

No. My understanding is limited. 

The other day my grandma and I were eating lunch when the topic of prayer came up. I have struggled for a long time to ask for specific things. It's not a matter that I don't believe God can, but I doubt whether He will. If I don't ask, I assume that I'm not putting myself in a position to be frustrated or doubtful of God. However, this is not what He asks of us. 

As our conversation continued she shared how her prayers have been shaped. Through the examples found in Scripture and also through those who have greatly modeled lives of prayer she has become a woman constantly in conversation with God. If you know my grandmother, you know that she can be a little different, but as you get to know her more you will see that her words and actions are sprinkled with salt and are driven by a life in the Word and in Prayer. So I asked her, "what do you pray?" to which she responded, 

"I pray for patience, peace, and understanding. Then I examine myself and ask that He search my heart and point out any sinful way in me to which I confess and ask for forgiveness and a heart to change. Then I present my specific requests to Him, entrusting my cares and turning them over; knowing full well that He can and will do as He wills. God's Will be done. And it will be okay, because He's given me the patience, peace and understanding to commit it to Him."

Obviously my typing out of her words do not do the conversation justice. But at this point in my life I feel caught in prayer. Having to use Psalms to put words to my emotions, I feel stuck. Stuck in the sense that I cannot focus and dwell on the Almighty, remembering and trusting Him through the new knowledge, adventures, and trials before me. My mind is overwhelmed, my body is exhausted and I feel as though I ask for strength and trust but can't seem to find it. I continually find myself in ruts of jealousy, impatience, and anxious thoughts. These stem from the things we do not know, the things I cannot seem to bring to God...out of fear that maybe He wouldn't steady my heart.

I decided to take my grandma's words to heart and make them my prayer. Would God grant me the patience, peace and understanding that I need each day in order to trust Him and not dwell on the things that are beyond my control. 

"Search me, O God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts"

I am learning what unsettles me. Other long overdue conversations have occurred in the last 4 days. The words I can't put to my heart I am entrusting to God. He is searching and making it clear. It is not enjoyable or easy but I can say it is freeing. To ask for understanding is difficult. Not only does it require a transformation of your mind, your thoughts; but it also sometimes requires a boldness to just ask so that you do not dwell on what you do not know, allowing the enemy to work in your thoughts.

"See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting."

He is a faithful God. He does not withhold Good from those who seek Him. Fear can hold back a lot of action and can keep us from engaging in the Life we can have with our God and with those He has given us. When He bestows understanding from the storehouses of His grace it is incredible how much He will give...oftentimes in the form of peace and patience for what we cannot know today.

We will only lose if we give up or switch sides. Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus. He loves us. He loves me and He loves you. If anyone should ask for a fish, would He give them a snake? No. When He doesn't answer the way we think He should or will, He can give us the peace, patience and understanding to know He has something different in mind. But He does not just do the opposite or ignore my requests. He is working, faithfully.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction and faithful in prayer today and everyday.